Phantom Attachment
Do you ever think of the person behind the screen? Who has left you to check your messages to the brink of madness, your thoughts to spiral in grief and rage? Long since having disappeared into the ether, leaving only the spirit of their memory and profound loss of their absence to linger. Your genuine concerns and affections suspended indefinitely within the fabric of space and time, left unanswered. Assuming the mantle of a well-known stranger.
The ghost in your life.
“Ghosting” as per the digital lexicon, is an abrupt disruption of communication initiated by an individual without explicitly given cause or warning.
It is common for individuals who ghost to ignore all attempts of communication, either fully ceasing to respond, or making contact after an extended period of time. The reasons behind such a severance in correspondence are personal and often unknown, if ever addressed, but could be initiated as a method of self-preservation.
In psychology, there exists a theory of two main dimensions of attachment, anxiety and avoidance, that were later concluded to manifest as four established styles. Pioneered in the late 20th century by psychologist John Bowlby, these dimensions are thought to be cultivated from the very start of infancy and through the bonds established with caregivers, actively shaping all subsequent relationships. Present in youth and further cemented in adulthood are mannerisms and thought processes that can convey security, ambivalence, distrust, and preoccupation.
They can be described as follows.
The secure attachment style is found in individuals who maintain independence while being receptive to intimacy and closeness. They practice open communication and can handle conflict well.
The anxious attachment style is dependent on relationships and desires constant reassurance. They suffer from low self esteem, distrust in others, and are sensitive to rejection.
Those who have a dismissive-avoidant style actively disengage from intimacy and closeness in relationships, pushing others away. They are guarded, struggle with commitment, and seek independence.
The fearful- avoidant attachment style has traits found in some of the others, such as heightened anxiety and distrust in others. They are inconsistent in their behavior, and often affected by their low self esteem.
Each attachment style is characterized by its own behavioral patterns, but these are not
fixed realities.
We are the authors of our own destinies, in that our thoughts are wholly our own and subject to growth. This theory is evident and supported by how children are parented and addressed systematically, providing guidance beyond its description.
However, as individuals capable of making our own choices, we can form awareness, rationalize, and therapeutically address concerns in our own conduct when necessary.
I am, in no uncertain terms, a ghoster.
To the world, it is easy to see how we ghosts are casted as ghouls. Malevolent entities that prey upon those unfortunate enough to cross our paths, sinister figures who leave trails of emotional distress in their wake.
Yet, are we not all the more human for it?
I have a fearfully-avoidant attachment style, and struggle to find balance. In truth, it has debilitating consequences on my social and emotional wellbeing. I find myself in tearful rumination, anxiety clouding my discernment. The volatile shifts in emotions inspire insecurity in my sense of self and create tension in my close relationships. I am, at times, envious of the ease with which those with secure attachment styles can navigate conflict and miscommunication. Even so, I acknowledge how this experience has molded my identity, defining both my strengths and personal constraints.
Countless others find themselves paralyzed by the weight of a simple response, their gazes fixated on glowing screens as they grapple with the daunting finality of reaching out.
However, I do not wander these digital graveyards in solitude. Some hit send with ease, removed from the sharp sting of their rejection and callousness of their responses. Others may repeatedly seek out validation, battling a constant need for reassurance.
Regardless of what attachment style individuals may possess, maintaining healthy communication is possible. Sometimes it takes dedicated effort into understanding your behaviors to recognize what we need to change.
One day, I will text back.
